Relationship Help: Understanding BPD

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We’re All Unique in Our Trauma, Thinking, & Reactions

Negative things we think, our triggers, and how we respond & react are all unique to us.

Regardless of anyone's experience with a "Borderline" we are all unique. Anytime you hear ALL OF THEM do XYZ this comes from a place of bias from their own trauma its not a definition of BPD.

BPD is the Inability to Regulate Our Emotions.

Anything we’re feeling is heightened there is no baseline emotion or net to catch us when we fall between the highs & lows.

No Medications Treat BPD.

There are no medications that treat the 9 traits of BPD. They can manage common comorbities that commonly go with it depression anxiety bi polar etc.

• Some people get relief with certain medications or other forms of medication (Pot)

Boundaries are Key! Maintain Your Boundaries!

So many people lose sight of their own needs when navigating their partners mental illness. Remember we all have trauma to process & heal, don't forget about yourself & your inner work. You can work through this as a team & really create something beautiful but it needs to have a FIRM foundation with BOUNDARIES.

• Emotionally Validating someone does not mean you become a punching bag verbally or physically. (Abuse is abuse and there is no excuse)

• Set firm boundaries:

  • I will not be yelled at If yelling begins I will leave the room. We can try to talk again when you calm down I will be back I am not leaving I will come back in 5 min. ( I love you)

  • Boundaries while they are a trigger for people who struggle with abandonment issues and trust issues they are important for healing on both sides.

  • Boundaries need to be held up & respected to have a healthy relationship

    • Breaking boundaries enables and affirms bad and inappropriate behavior.

• You cannot heal from an empty cup (your sleep, your health, your emotions)

*Make sure your not losing yourself in the relationship*

Problems Coming to the Surface Likely are Not The Actual Issue

It’s hard to find & focus the problem when we have 1000 playing through our minds.

Perceived & real scenarios run through head; both feeling just as real.

Something as simple as losing our keys, a shift in tone, or a change in the day sparks the explosion in our mind setting it up for unavoidable doom.

• Trying to help us focus that darkness can help

• Emotionally validating what were feeling

• Asking questions to understand

• Offer solutions and accepting if we don't want them.

• Sit with us in the darkness if no solutions work

Black & White Thinking: Euphoria and dysphoria (not mania- unless your also bi-polar).

Rooted trauma creates rooted & absolute thinking patterns.

Ex: When I get triggered during an outing it can be because I personally feel rushed, judged, or like a confrontation of some sort is going to happen.

In an instant I am back in my moments of early trauma where I was rushed, yelled at, pressured, etc.

Even though my current surroundings are actually safe and everything is OK my minds natural response is to perceive danger or pain & prepare for it. This can be consciously & subconsciously done. It is a NATURAL TRAUMA RESPONSE!

Intrusive Thoughts

Extreme thoughts that often take over our minds. Leading to the creation of scenarios in our mind that affirm negative thinking patterns & disrupts our ability to function effectively

• Can be played out like a cinema

• Can cause a split leading to a big reaction

• These emotions are crippling and are very real

• Can lead to self sabotage

• Even though the fear itself is perceived the emotion behind it is REAL!

Understand that these thoughts come from deep rooted trauma! After time in a safe and support environment with the right tools these thoughts can be reframed!

• Don't shame someone for their intrusive thoughts. Validate their feelings, emotions.

• Encourage them to reach out for help when they need help working through these thoughts.

• Ask if there is something your doing that is causing them to have these thoughts. (This is not a criticism towards you but as a way to understand their triggers & understand their feelings to be in tune with each other)

*Remember to emotionally validate is NOT to agree! Your acknowledging their feelings to help them work through it, reflect & ultimately heal*

• Splits: Extreme shift in emotion or thinking.

• A trigger can cause a splits causing a reaction or response

  • The reaction/response looks different from person to person & situation to situation

    • Internal: Shut down, Dissociate, Cry, Self harm

    • Flight: Run away, End relationships

    • Fight: Lash Out, Physical or verbal abuse

Patience & support helps us learn that ability to be patient and support ourselves

• Take breaks when emotion rises on either side (5 min try again)

• Understand that mean things are most likely not from a place of truth!

  • We don’t mean what we say - Does not excuse them! Talk about them later on if needed!

• Maintain I statements: I feel X, This hurts my feelings, I am sad or mad.

• Validate in times of conflict that you hear them and you understand their feelings

• Affirm in times of conflict that you’re a team and you here for them no matter what.

• Improve your Emotional Attunement: Try to understanding your partner more deeply to support them through difficult emotion states

Identity Disturbance

While others were able to develop their unique belief systems we developed ours in trauma without a concreate foundation of who we are & unable to develop this. Interests, friends, passions, etc. all can become fleeting as were seeking for a sense of self, trying to fill the chronic emptiness that sits in place of self.

• We don’t have a sense of self

• We don’t have a core belief system

• Painful incoherence: Its painful not to have a sense of self

• Seeking for resets in life to avoid conflict & lack of self/ interest.

• We wear masks to blend into our surrounding to avoid conflict/chaos/pain/or trauma.

• Support to try new things and encouragement to continue them even if were not the best helps us find a sense of self. Were very critical of EVERYTHING we do its never enough, its pointless, its stupid, we suck etc. PUSH US TO FIND WHAT WE REALLY LIKE.

Fear of Abandonment!

Fear of abandonment is rooted into our natural thinking don't take it personally we truly believe that EVERYONE is going to somehow abandon us. This has been proven to us over many years as the only think we can rely on & trust to be true.

• Transparency: Both sides!

  • Don’t lie or hide things. (This affirms your safe and builds trust and helps)

  • Do what you say you're going to do.

  • Allow access to what you feel comfortable with based on your boundaries

  • Lead by example

Understand this is intrusive thinking and validate their feelings with reassurance. Reassurance helps reframe our thinking with positive pathways and affirmations. Look as them as a healing took in your relationship and encourage your partner to ask for reassurance & affirmation when they need it.

This helps us talk about our feelings without shame, feel safe, & affirm we can trust this!

Work as a team: It takes a very long time to undo trauma wounds and reframe our thinking.

• Conflict remind yourself & them that you are a team and that it is you two vs the problem no matter the problem.

• Remind them that you are on their side even when its dark and messy

• Remember your feelings matter! You can set your emotions aside to handle a situation or help them through a dark time HOWEVER! You must come back when they are regulated to address your emotions so that you're not walking on egg shells. (It’s a fine line! )

• We all have good & bad days were human its life remember & remind them & yourself of this.

• We all have trauma look into your healing to! Grow together!

We are more than BPD:

• Don't throw this in our face,

• Don’t use it to devalue our feelings

  • Our feelings are heighted that does not take them away we just need to regulate before we address them.

• You are not our parent, therapist, doctor, or caretaker!

  • When we are communicating and working through conflict do try to diagnose the situation.

*Your just splitting right now, This is just your BPD, etc.*

It takes TIME....

• When I say time I mean years to really undo those natural reactions, feelings, and responses from complex trauma.

• It gets better slowly but it DOES get better!

MOST IMPORTANTLY: They have to be willing to heal & change: You cant make them see what they are not willing to see. As much as you will things to change the work falls on them in the end all you can do is be there for them to the best of your ability trying to understand them & their triggers because everyone is different.

BOUNDARIES ARE CRITICAL!

Walking on egg shells & becoming a punching bag are NOT TOOLS that help relationships tackling BPD together!